Hustlers Chronicles : The Minister's Misery

The phone rang,I picked it up and the voice of the assistant pastor of my
church rants out; "am on your street,what's your house number?" he requested.i can recognize his voice even in my dreams after his loads of calls daily to say "hello". In less than 5minutes,he was at my door.He sat directly in front of me in the living room,after rejecting the more comfortable seat I offered him,putting me in a difficult position of adjusting my very short skirt. It was an intentional move on his part,knowing fully well of my sitting discomfort . He talked for few minutes and summarized all by explaining his intention of been my sexual partner. I won't blame him for picking on me among the choristers,am well endowed,a large breast with proportionate ass to go with . This features of mine is the reason why this gentle man of God is sitted calmly in my living room.
To cut the long story short,I asked about the lady that comes with him to church regularly,hoping the fact that i know his woman will put his aim in a tight angle,but his response was good enough to slap him. Quoting his exact word, " you see,man shall not live by bread alone". With anger rushing in my veins I asked, does that make me meat pie or fish roll ?,he stood up and said,sister,a lot of ladies in our parish are dying to be my mistress,and me coming to you is a rare occurrence which you must be grateful for. I excused my self and left for room,the last thing I remembered was trying to reach my high healed shoe from the shoe rack. I woke up behind the counter of the divisional police station in my community,and when I asked about my presence there,I was shocked when the constable on duty said ; "madam you fainted after after beating the man of God that came to minister to you to coma with your shoe". I laughed uncontrollably to the surprise of other policemen on duty, minister indeed,I murmured . I got out after the church dropped all charges and banned me from the church,but the assistant Pastor made sure our paths never crossed in the small community that we live in.

El Rufai : Memoir Of A Political Scam Artist.

By Gimba Kakanda Malam Nasir El-Rufai is a saint. El-Rufai’s intellectual and managerial wisdom is unmatched by any living thing that has ever been in power in Nigeria. Those are the things we discover in his memoir, The Accidental Public Servant. TAPS is not only a celebration of an individual’s narcissism but a revelation of the destructive elitism on whose back this polarised nation suffers. But because TAPS documents the political tragedies we have witnessed since the coming of this present democracy in which the author was a privileged actor, we must repaint our triumphal arch to welcome this confession of an insider. I won’t advise any hypertensive person to open the book, if not for the author’s inability to contain his large ego in this overtly expressive tome but for his exposé of the financial scams and abuse of power by the political elite who, despite declared differences and public opposition, are actual friends and family in the closet. El-Rufai reveals, somewhat unwittingly, that Nigeria is just a chessboard on which the masses are manipulated and taken for granted. In TAPS, there is President Obasanjo who wants to overstay, the lawmakers who abandon their duties and scramble for complicity, General Babangida who is just an expired buffoon, Nuhu Ribadu an unreliable confidant who is also an unprincipled anti-corruption crusader and Atiku Abubakar who is a smooth criminal—everybody wears the garb of a devil in this book. One, though, hears a man too angry, as an opposition party member, to be decorous. El-Rufai has guts, and he is really arrogant about his illusory intellect and academic exploits. He makes everyone around him, including his boss Obasanjo, seem dumb as he keeps screaming about his A-grades at Barewa College where the late President Yar’Adua whom he portrays as unserious student and chain-smoker managed to leave with good grades which seemed to have shocked El-Rufai. It doesn’t matter that El-Rufai didn’t even meet Yar’Adua at the school. Similarly, the literary prowess which he plays down in his major case of condescension in the book—with a claim that he was better with figures, as though he had propounded a mathematical theory—was later overblown in his boast that he wrote a speech “single-handedly” for the then military Head of State General Abdulsalam Abubakar. He never lets you forget he graduated with a first class honours degree; perhaps that is because he is the only one who has ever done so? Nor does El-Rufai fail to remind you that he is a penniless Ghandi who, after his notoriety as FCT Minister, couldn’t afford a stay in Dubai. He could only afford having his children at elite schools in Maryland and London. TAPS is built on a diseased mindset. It romanticises the author’s intellectual wisdom as the flight that conveyed him to our cloudy political sky. But there was no accident in El-Rufai’s public service career; the author is just too dumb to recognise nepotism for what it is. What he optimistically calls an accident was in fact an invitation from his elder brother’s friend to serve as a member of the advisory council in General Abdulsalam’s transition government. Let us examine El-Rufai’s own words: “I subsequently learnt from a mutual friend that (General Abdulsalam) Abubakar had remembered me because I had met him a couple of times in the course of my quantity surveying career and MAY HAVE (emphasis mine) debated the role of the military in politics and governance. My GUESS (emphasis mine) is the Head of State THOUGHT (emphasis mine) he needed contrarian views to enrich his policy decisions… (p. 53)” You don’t need a language tutor to see through the lame excuses and reasons given in the excerpt above, especially the self-indicting words in upper case: There was an unnamed mutual friend who revealed what had escaped the author’s memory; and in the use of “may”, El-Rufai, who remembers page-long dialogues, is clearly being economical with the truth. Note that El-Rufai bases his reason on a conjecture by the use of “guess”, pondering the so-called accident that earned him a slot in that team. So you may be eager to know how he guessed a man’s thought. General Abdulsalam didn’t say it. In Nigeria, we know that political opportunism is facilitated by ethnic, religious and regional cronyism. Yes, you only need to be member of a certain group to make it to that cycle! And as a member of that team, El-Rufai justifies his own brand of “cronyism” on recommending for ministerial appointment a man whose eligibility was built around what El-Rufai too calls “rumour mill”. The nominee, a suspended Deputy Governor at CBN, Alhaji Ismaila Usman, whom El-Rufai claims he had met just once, was rumoured to have refused to be an accomplice in a financial scam ordered by the late General Sani Abacha. This selection criterion, which is exactly the practice that brought El-Rufai too on board General Abdulsalam’s transition government, is an undeniable nepotism. I always campaign for right to expression and even recently have written to defend El-Rufai from his political antagonists on the alleged blasphemy accusation and other matters. I had maintained that his past in public service must not be allowed to be used to deny him a right to political activism. But TAPS is an explosion of that egalitarian utilitarianism on mine and the outrage of that belief is a welcome development from me, in my barricade amongst the citizens of common sense. Our resolve now as citizens is to study and challenge what elitism does to this country. The arguments in support of El-Rufai’s elite-aggrandising policies while he was FCT Minister fail anytime we have a gander of the effects they had on the common people of Abuja, especially the “subaltern” residents who were never compensated, whose lives were destroyed by that insensitivity to our socioeconomic structure. There are only three saints in El-Rufai’s book: His late daughter Yasmin, elder brother Bashir and the countless people he introduces as “mentors”. But any attentive reader would understand that El-Rufai who couldn’t resign in a government known for reigns of corruptions, despite his unsuccessful attempts to justify his stay, is apparently suffering from Out-of-Office syndrome. His portrayals of Yar’Adua, especially when he engaged the services of foreign lobbyists to make Yar’Adua appear like a military leader, betrays the honesty of his activism. The El-Rufai who afforded such media stunts wasn’t broke as declared in this memoir. That politics is too cheap for Nigerians. The trick in this new turn of El-Rufailitics is to wallop his fellow members of the elite class just to earn the sympathy and trust of the “Suffering Class” and, more importantly, the Twitter-based youths many of whom only think that Nigeria is just the size of their blogs. One thing El-Rufai fails to acknowledge is: Though a crocodile may stay with a community of alligators, it can never become one. May God save us from us! Gimba Kakanda Maintains a weekly column, "Flips of Commonsense", for the Abuja-based Blueprint Newspaper. misterkakanda@yahoo.com @gimbakakanda (on Twitter)

HUSTLERS CHRONICLES : Sun down,Tools Down

The rule of law in Nigeria has limit and period,like the age long adage; there's time for everything. In Nigeria,there's indeed time for everything,there are times to obey the law and also time not to.
Official hours in Nigeria is between 8am - 4pm,after this hours,the country is officially locked down. This lock down extends to all aspect of life,and the shocking one is security. Lets take the traffic laws as example, you and I knows that it's a free for all fight on our roads when the sun is down and the moon is rising ,this is due to non existence of traffic law enforcers on the roads. Every traffic law in Nigeria can be broken once its sundown because there are no security personnel to enforce this laws. The much publicized Lagos traffic laws ceases to exist after the official closing time of government,even the federal road enforcers ceases to operate outside the official hours. How many people have been arrested for driving offenses at night?,I doubt if any motorist can be arrested and charged for failing to wear seat belts at night. This can also be experienced in the health sector,where doctors are never available at the wee hours of the night to attend to emergencies. I guess we're familiar with the case of a man that lost his child because he waited endless for emergency ambulance to arrive. It took him 5 hours to get to the hospital which resulted in the death of the innocent child. The ambulance never came. There're lots of tale about accident victims dying slowly and painfully because all emergency operatives don't work round the clock. There was also a case of a commuter bus that plunged into a river from a bridge along Ijebu Ode - Ore- Benin road late at time,the passengers perished because rescue did not come until the following afternoon . It will be a waste of time enumerating people's experiences when they make SOS calls to security operatives at night,there's always an excuse,tale or mix-up on their part.
Now that most of our cities are planing on attaining Mega City statuses,they should have it in mind that that such feat can be achieved by round the Clock services to the citizens and locals. 8 hours of (inadequate) provision of services to tax payers out of 24 hours is gross incompetence from our leaders,it is there duty to be at our call round the clock.

THE DEATH OF R&B

Nigerian music industry is one of the fastest growing in world,lots of cash has been pumped into it and the biggest stars in world have one time or the other visited and performed on our soil. One genre of music feeling the downturn of this development is Rhythm &Blues . R&B crooners were the pioneers of the now big money spinning hip-hop music industry . The likes of DizzyK Falola,Alex O,Chris Okotie and her beautiful sister, Felix Liberty,Onyeka Onwenu,Christie E.Egbokwe,Bongo Zikwe, and others. The advancement in telecommunication technology was the perfect avenue for influx of foreign music,they were cheap and better than our local music until recently when our local production took upon itself to compete with the international market.
Now came the millennium artist,young groupies of foreign artist came into the scene. They mixed the contents of foreign music with our local content,thus,heralding the new school in music entertainment.
Most of this new artist started off with the Rap genre which was copied from the ever popular rap culture of United States. Inability to deliver rap music the exact way it's been done in western world brought an abrupt end to the genre's popularity. Effort to revive the scene brought about the introduction of music reality shows which primary aim is to discover and nurture new R&B acts.
The biggest break in our music entertainment scene was the introduction of vernacular to all the genres of songs. This made it flexible and easier for artist to express themselves properly and even caught the attention of outside world. This development was latter realized to be the final nail on R&B's coffin. R&B and Rap music are the dominant genre in Nigeria, until the introduction of "shanteshante",permit me to borrow that word from TerryG. TerryG came out with the "shanteshante" genre,a type of music that generates its strong hold from beats,laid with explicit vocals in vernacular . This genre can be described as a "lazy man" genre. One needs no God given talent to sing now,thanks to beat makers that supplies the beats to the highest bidder,and all that is left is for the act to chant in his/her mother tongue and Penguin English over the beats. A tract is made,it's as easy as that.
Notable acts that had their roots in Rap music and Especially those one in R&B school have all adopted this genre. Versatile R&B crooners like Iyanya, BankyW ,Goldie,Essence and many more acts,have dropped traditional R&B music,to embrace the "shanteshante" trend. The Rap genre suffered more brain drain,the list of acts that have converted to "shanteshante" is endless. Acts likeReminisce,Skales,Shank,IdrisAbdulkareem,DrSid,Kswitch,Jahbless, and the list goes on. All this acts been smiling to the bank ever since they changed to the new genre. The survival of R&B is rested on Dakolo and CapitalFEMI, two feather weights in the industry, making the future not too bright for the genre. While Vector is the only one championing the Rap scene,no disrespect to illbliss. With the Ghana styled "azonto" in vogue,the future of Shanteshante is now hanging on a thin rope.

GOODLUCK JONATHAN SPENDTHRIFT : Enough is Enough

Goodluck Jonathan Spendthrift: Enough is enough. DECEMBER 3, 2012 BY PUNCH NEWSPAPER EDITORIAL BOARD NOTHING typifies the frivolous, insensitive and completely inept leadership troubling Nigeria currently than the recent approval of a N2.2bn banquet hall for Aso Villa by the Federal Executive Council. Coming at a time when the country is buffeted by serious security and other challenges, it demonstrates that this government is not a thinking one. Just one of the dozens of eye-opening government expenses, President Goodluck Jonathan is proposing to build a party hall in the palatial Aso Villa while millions of Nigerians are hungry and jobless. Like the fifth Roman Emperor, Nero, Jonathan is fiddling around while the nation is burning. This disgustingly lavish lifestyle must be curbed.  The justification is as galling as the project. The FEC hinged its decision to award this contract mainly on its belief that smaller countries have better banquet halls near their seats of power. The Federal Capital Territory Minister, Bala Muhammed, who briefed the press on the issue, added that the existing hall was inconveniencing and that the proposed 150-seater hall would have such facilities as “security, hall conveniences, technical room and press briefing room that are more and more enhanced so that national broadcast can be done from there.” This has taken profligacy in public expenditure to absurd lengths. Jonathan probably expects Nigerians to give him and the other FEC members a standing ovation for initiating the project. But he is greatly mistaken. This is as reckless as it is feckless. With all its wealth, the United Kingdom houses its Prime Minister modestly at 10 Downing Street. Its State Dining Room accommodates just up to 65 guests and is also used to host the PM’s monthly press conference. Other reasonable leaders, including the Presidents of Malawi and Uruguay, have demonstrated good leadership values by their modest lifestyles. As soon as she came to power earlier this year, Malawian President, Joyce Banda, decided to sell off the country’s only Presidential aircraft and a fleet of 60 Mercedes Limousines. She prefers to use private airlines. Banda’s predecessor, Bingu wa Mutharika, had defended the purchase of the jet as a “must” for a national leader in 2009. The same woman recently announced a 30 per cent cut in her salary. This means that Mrs. Banda’s salary will drop from the reported £37,000 a year to £26,000. On his part, the Uruguayan President, Jose Mujica, not only drives a 1987 Volkswagen Beetle, but also stays at his wife’s farmhouse. Besides, he donates 90 per cent of his monthly salary to charity. “I’m called the poorest president”, he had said, “but I don’t feel poor. Poor people are those who only work to try to keep an expensive lifestyle, and always want more and more…This is a matter of freedom. If you don’t have many possessions then you don’t need to work all your life like a slave to sustain them, and therefore you have more time for yourself.”  Also, the King and Prime Minister of Norway reportedly fly commercial airlines. The interesting thing about Norway is that it produces almost the same amount of oil as Nigeria. But while it has successfully navigated through resource curse to be among the richest countries in the world, Nigeria, in spite of its abundant natural resources, is among the poorest. Norway’s success is not by magic but by prudent management of its resources. Jonathan government has continuously demonstrated that the interest of the larger Nigerian citizens is not its priority and that profligacy is its cardinal principle. There are many depressing examples. In the 2011 budget, N18bn went for the maintenance of presidential planes, which could provide decent accommodation for 18 million people going by the UN-Habitat estimates. In the 2012 budget, it set aside N1.9bn for the purchase of an additional aircraft for the already bloated Presidential fleet and N1.5bn for guest houses for some senior lawmakers. This is happening in a country where a prized possession for many is a generating set. Nigeria is buckling under the weight of Jonathan’s propensity for the absurd. Allegations are flying everywhere about the monumental level of government ineptitude in responding to insecurity. Almost on a daily basis, bandits and Boko Haram terrorists are killing scores of innocent Nigerians. A recent report by the British-based Economist Intelligence Unit ranked Nigeria as the worst place for a baby to be born in 2013. Nigeria is 80th out of the 80 countries surveyed. Infant and maternal mortality in the country is among the highest in the world. Life expectancy for a child born in Nigeria is 51.9 years whereas, for a small country like Gabon, it is 62.7 years; Mauritius is 73.4 years; and Libya, 74 years. The 2011 Human Development Index report by the United Nations’ Development Programme placed Nigeria 156th out of 187 countries surveyed. UNDP says, for almost a decade now, Nigeria has been recording consistently high economic growth rate that has not produced commensurate employment opportunities and reduction in poverty among its citizens. Poverty is endemic in the country as over 70 per cent of the citizens live from hand to mouth. An estimated 11 million Nigerian children of school age are out of school. Out of this number, about 7.5 million are girls. With a GDP Per Capita of $2,500, malnutrition wracks 46 per cent of the population, unemployment rate was 23.9 per cent in 2011 and youth unemployment rate was as high as 46.5 per cent in the same year. It is insulting that the President is creating an atmosphere of wealth and luxury for himself. In the 2012 Mo Ibrahim Index for African Governance, Nigeria was ranked 43 out of 52 countries assessed. The country’s overall score of 42.0 did not even match up to the West African average score of 51.9. Smaller countries just emerging from the ravages of war, such as Liberia, Sierra Leone, Rwanda and Angola, are relatively better in development indices. Poor infrastructure and harsh economic environment have led to the shutdown of many companies. Some of these companies have relocated to these same smaller countries, leading to massive loss of jobs in Nigeria. This is a grim reminder of North Korea whose leader lives in opulence while the entire populace live in abject poverty. Regrettably, the Jonathan administration is no longer evincing any hope. The cavalier attitude of the National Assembly is also regrettable. In the life of this administration, corruption has assumed a monstrous status. According to SUNDAY PUNCH investigation, over N5tn in government funds has been stolen through fraud, embezzlement and theft since President Jonathan assumed office on May 6, 2010. Sadly, as The Economist puts it, “Many Africans are ambivalent about their leaders’ extravagance; disgust at profligacy mingles with pride at the display.” The Jonathan government has demonstrated complete lack of judgement in initiating this project. The citizens, through civil society groups, should rise up to salvage what is remaining of this country. Nigerians should wake up and demand modesty from their rulers. Leadership is about self sacrifice, assertiveness, service, prudent management and the ability to think and galvanise the populace towards achieving the vision of the leader for the common good of all. Jonathan should curb this regal lifestyle and lavish spending of public money. He should step aside if he cannot do this.

THE THIRSTY FISH

There's a Yoruba riddle that goes thus ; "what lives in water and still stays thirsty"?. The answer is tongue. Similar to this riddle is a Yoruba proverb that says,"a fish cannot die of thirst in the river". Nigeria in this case is a tongue,living in a pool of water and slowly dying of thirst. As a country,Nigeria, has suffered for all the natural mineral resources given to her by God.Corruption has turned the king of Africa into a wandering refugee,traveling across Africa and the world to put food on their tables,in countries that survives on Nigeria's natural mineral resources. Nigeria's the highest producer of Oil in Africa,18th largest producer in the world,and has the 10th largest proven reserves in the world. Oil amounts to 80% of government earnings. Nigeria produces 2.53million bpd (250,000bpd) of petroleum products, and imports 70% of refined petrol sold to citizens. Corruption has crippled our oil refining sector,we are now at the mercy of those we sell petroleum products to. Incessant fuel shortages plague us like a barren land, despite our high deposit of crude oil. The pump price of refined petrol keeps skyrocketing and affecting prices of food items. It's a shock to see motorist sleeping in gas stations due to fuel shortages in a country,a country that is Americas highest supplier of petroleum products. In addition to oil,Nigeria has the largest natural gas reserves in Africa,but have limited infrastructure in place to develop the sector.Natural gas that is related with oil production is mostly flared. The inability to develop the natural gas sector had a downward effect on our economy. This affected the domestic usage and power generation use of natural gas,the price of a 12kg domestic cooking gas is around N3,000. Power outages are always blamed on shortage of gas supply in power generation stations. The government recently announced that they will create 40 gigawatts of capacity by 2020,achieving this goal will depend on the ability of the government to utilize current flared natural gas. It's currently estimated that 76million Nigerians don't have access to electricity. IEA data in 2009 indicate that electrification rate for Nigeria were 50% for the country as a whole. Constant power supply is still a mirage, and gas flaring is ongoing across the oil rigs scattered on our waters.  At a time,Nigeria,was the worlds largest exporter of groundnuts,cocoa and palm oil,significant producers of maize, sugar-cane, yams and citrus fruits. All of this products now comes in finished imported products,they're now only found on shop racks,no more on our farms. Isn't it amazing that we import canned corns,packed cocoa products and palm oil based products ?. We lack amidst plenty .  Limestone is another natural mineral resource we have in abundant,it is mined in various part of the the country in abundant capacity. Yearly,demand for cement is estimated around 17million metric tonnes,and the price keeps skyrocketing daily despite the large volume mined and produced in Nigeria. Cement production from Dangote cement factories and other cement factories in  Nigeria is well over 26million MT. Dangote groups combined factory produces 20million metric tones yearly,that is 17,000MT daily. A bag of cement is sold at N1,800, making it one of the most expensive in Africa,despite been mined and produced on our own soil. Dangote cement is the largest cement production company in Africa,with market capitalization of almost $14billion on the Nigeria stock exchange market. Dangote groups most especially, and other cement production factory has made cement importation a thing of the past. But the irony of the issue is that,imported cements are cheaper than those produced locally. Same goes for other products. Another example is the locally grown Ofada and Ilesha rice,they cost thrice the price of imported rice. This is happening despite the vast majority of land at our disposal to plant this local rice to meet our consumption demands and cut money and manpower wasted on rice importation. Products extracted from our soils are now beyond or reach,we're only capable of consuming imported goods with no proven origin and suspicious quality standard. We are now the  dump site of western experiments.  With all these resources at our disposal, we still lack amidst plenty,all the avenues to develop various sectors that will manage these resources has been crippled by corruption. We are already importing house hold goods from Ghana,a country that once depended on our economy to survive,now turned to our biggest market. Our fish is gradually swimming ashore to seek water,it's immediate environment has been outsourced of useful and life supporting contents . A few set of people selfishly destroyed our working mechanism just to enrich themselves . We don't have working refineries, good power generating sector,we even seek medical treatments in 3rd world countries and run a crippling education sector. Nigeria defied all the ideology of a fish not dying of thirst,our own fish fish might die of heat deep down the sea.

TAX(ING) AND TOUT(ING)

   TAX(ING) AND TOUT(ING) Tax,according to the English dictionary, is a sum of money demanded by a government for its support or for specific facilities or services,property,sales,etc. It's also a burdensome charge,obligation,duty or demand. Tax resistance existed ever since the beginning of civilization and imposition of tax. Many revolutions have been promoted by resentment of taxation,example is the American and French revocation,the magna Carta. Over the years,successive governments around the world have resolved to different means of tax collection or charging. The method derived by Africans,Nigeria,as case study is what will bring us to the definition of the word "TOUT(ING)". Tout,referring to the ENglish dictionary again,it's to solicit business ,employment ,votes,or the like,importunately .Majority of you my readers have left the shores of the country and are abreast with the easy/flawless approach of the Europeans and other western world in tax collection. Now coming back home,we all are aware of the mayhems caused by touts of the motor garages,abattoir ,motorcycle riders parks and civilians claiming to be council officials. Hundreds of lives have been lost in the battle for supremacy among this touts,an action that has gone unpunished by regulatory authorities. It shouldn't be a surprise that the emergence of the social miscreants can be traced to have originated from our government. Government in it's effort to be less confrontational in collecting tax from the aggrieved motorist, whose complains of bad roads,and not feeling any good effect of previous taxes payed the government had to be checked by their likes who are jobless. This gave rise to the use of touts to tax commercial motorist daily for plying the roads,same method applies to  motorcycle riders. The touts initially disguises as local council officials,but letter metamorphosed into the now NURTW that gave birth to the infamous "agbero" clans,the notorious blood thirsty garage gangs. This same method was applied to abattoirs,where touts said to be sent by Local councils are employed to force sales tax on butcher violently. Market men/Women are daily subjected to harassment by council touts,or by special "violent" task forces set up by various government to check task resistance. The touts you see daily jumping in front of okada riders with a piece of roughened ticket at hand are dully endorsed by your local council to force out tax from okada riders violently.  The word tax cannot stand alone in our society without touts and every single act of the various street miscreants started from the policy of forcefully compelling citizens to pay tax. Reistance to tax payment can be viewed from different angles,as revolution against it differs from culture to culture . While some countries are commissioning Dams,we are rolling out drums to commission boreholes,benefits and tax returns are paid in western worlds to minimize poverty level,we were distributing bicycles,motorcycles ,tricycles as poverty 'eradication' measures,and we pay taxes like other Nations. It's no surprise that armed law enforcement agents follows tax officers around to intimidate tax payers in a democratic setting. In conclusion,I think giving what belongs to Caesar to Caesar isn't as easy as thought,Jesus himself was accused of promoting tax resistance prior to his torture and execution; "we found this fellow perverting the nation,and forbidding to give tribute to Caesar "- luke23:2 .